Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
