My friends, they love my intelligence
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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