did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
