You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
