Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
