Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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