Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I have post one night stand depression
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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