she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
