I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
