another moral hangover. fuck.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
