let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
