apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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