I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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