I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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