Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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