listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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