Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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