I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i think i have herpe
just one?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
