is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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