Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
