ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
