i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
