remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
