my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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