All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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