No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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