i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Randomize
