Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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