I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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