I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
