it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
