So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
