sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
