I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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