just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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