Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
