So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
