Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
