I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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