I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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