That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
