Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think my moral compass just broke
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