You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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