Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
