somebody snuck up and got me drunk
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
