i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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