There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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