Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
