I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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