I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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