YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
