I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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